Author Archives: neilstilwell

About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. http://www.amazon.co.uk/frozen-fridge-Zoomeister-Diaries-ebook/dp/B00C426DD0/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366481719&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=a+frozen+turd+in+a+hot+frudge It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.

Radio Phyllis.

“That’s Simply Red there, an experience rather like waking up dead on your birthday, and then finding out you’re bankrupt. Anyway, it’s five to one, and time for our “shout-outs”. Pitiful mewlings from the tiresome boneheaded public. A sea of … Continue reading

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The gigs of the future – Ed Sheeran

The gigs of the future. “2023. 80,000 turned up to literally watch Ed Sheeran shit into a bucket. The entire set conisted soley of the singer dropping his trousers, squatting, and blasting feces into a bucket. Over, and over, continually … Continue reading

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Talkin’ shit with the GP

I went to the GP today to get some cheerpills. Mental thrillness capsules. I also got a tub to shit in. I think it’s for tests. I hope it’s for tests. I sniggered in the waiting room, imagining the receptionist … Continue reading

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Peter Jackson’s proper norsed it up again.

Peter Jackson: G’day sports! Come to congratulate me on the brilliant Hobbit films that I done with  my two bare hands? Accountant: Actually, no. There’s been a…..er…problem. Peter: Strewth! Alright, spit it out, money boy. My sacks are over-due for … Continue reading

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Radio Slimes.

I’m not a fan of radio. Anyone will tell yer! They’ll say….”Phyllis, he doesn’t like the radio”, pointing in my direction and jabbing to make the point stick. I’ll nod, pull up a chair, and sit on it backwards, telling … Continue reading

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My Olympic Ideas

Also got some Olympic event ideas, since you’re asking. YOU WERE ASKING. 1. Dog-Head 100m. Contestants have to run 100m while wearing incredibly heavy, wet clothes. The piece of the resistance is the addition of a full sized German Shepard, … Continue reading

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Titanic: Jack’s Drawings.

“Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.”   “Alright. ” LATER “This alright?” “What the fuck is this?”   “It’s a man wanking on a top hat.”    

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