Also got some Olympic event ideas, since you’re asking. YOU WERE ASKING.
1. Dog-Head 100m.
Contestants have to run 100m while wearing incredibly heavy, wet clothes. The piece of the resistance is the addition of a full sized German Shepard, gaffa-taped to the head. Also the dog has been given a lot to drink, so the danger of pissage is incredible. Also, a man is employed to poke the slower runners with a fucking stick to “Encourage” them.
2. Milk Chug Glugalug. Contestants have to down massive bottles of milk, then when they are inevitably sick, they have to do it through the hole in a massage table, directly onto a coin fifteen feet below.
3. Nicholas Lyndhurst Goodnight Sweetheart Shagathon. Contestants have to dress up as Nicholas Lyndhurst from the terrible sitcom, including wearing a mask of his face. They’re totally blind because there are no eye-holes. They then have to wander a facsimile of 1940s London, complete with cardboard cut-outs and fake buildings, having sex with the very first object they touch. And there would be many, many objects. Some living, some not living, some dangerous, some not. The most points are awarded for jizzing into a gigantic mouth based on…yes….Nicholas Lyndhurst’s.
4. Rolling Marathon.
Contestants take part in this grueling marathon, sorting out the wheat from the chaff. 26 miles, as usual, but they have to do it by rolling the distance. While wearing nothing. Nothing at all. Across incredibly unforgiving surfaces.
Now fuck off.