Non-existent Girlfriend.

“Hello Neil.”

“Hello my effervescent soul-mate. Would you like to join me in a wafer thin slice of ham? Perhaps a fragile biscuit deftly dipped in a sensual cup of tea? I’ve got a knock-off Raccoons dvd with our names all over it to watch until sunrise.”

“I had something else to discuss with you.”

“Okay, verbally smash it out of your beautiful mouth.”

“Right. Well, you know I asked you to write a speech for my sister’s wedding?”

“Yep. A grand occasion. And if I might add, a grand speech for it, is what I have manufactured with my hands. My brilliant hands.”

“It’s not really…what I had in mind.”

“What? I got a few brilliant anecdotes in it. Some cracking gags. A few puns. What’s not to like?”



“What’s wrong with that?”

“What DO YOU FUCKING MEAN WHAT’S WRONG WITH IT? On what planet is this acceptable?”

“You’re right. It’s a bit monochrome. It’s more of a visual thing anyway.”

“You’re going to read that out are you? In front of all my friends and family? This piece of shit?”

“Well. I can’t really read that out. Wouldn’t be able to see the picture. I might bang in on a projector.”

“It’ll be the only thing you’ll be banging for a while Neil. Fuck off.”


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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