Some time ago I wrote of the laws I thought it would be amusing to introduce. One of them was a truly grisly coming of age thing. Upon reaching the age of eighteen, a teenager is shown a gruesome video of their father wanking into a cup, the result of which produced them.
It wasn’t a hit. I don’t think it will become law. I even expanded the idea to a reality show, in which viewers vote for their favourite spunking session.
Disgusting. I was clearly off the ball on that one.
I didn’t think about people conceiving naturally! I could have pounded my forehead with a furious fist! I could have smashed my head against a breeze block in rage at my own fucking lack of foresight. Sex! It’s that what usually makes babies isn’t it? Doing a sex.
So, my new idea is a law that must be put into action before the next election. It goes like this:
Upon reaching the age of 18, all teenagers are to have a coming of age ceremony, in which they are sat down with family, close friends, the local dogs, all the big local hitters; the town mayor, perhaps. Even the local pub landlord. All surrounding the said teenager, who is oblivious to what’s going on. As the day unfolds, happy smiling faces crowd the room. They are slapped on the back by Uncle Jack with a leathery hand. Even grandad opens greetings with two powerful thumbs aloft.
A buffet happens. Said teenager is touched and moved, in precisely equal measure. Everybody’s cracking laughs. Perhaps a barbecue if it’s summer. Dave Smith is joyfully tossing a burger and necking a lager from a well thumbed can.
Later that evening, mum and dad wheel out the big surprise. Bearing in mind, by this point, absolutely everyone is gathered, with the teen in the centre, all staring into a television screen.
Teenager thinks they’re going to see a video of..I dunno..their first steps, or the school play. Or maybe they’re going to watch an inspirational film together. Mum and dad are perched cheerily on either side of junior. Dad slides a shining disc into the dvd player.
Teen smiles, inside and out. Finally an adult. What a good surprise this is going to be.
The video flickers into life.
It’s a video depicting the entirety of the sexual intercourse that produced them.
The entire thing. The foreplay, the caressing. The strokes. The positions. The cumshots. All close up, all mercilessly focused on, with the absolute maximum of explicitness.
We see the sweating, heaving naked mass of sex happening. We hear groans. We see bollocks, cock, tits, clit, cunt and all. We see it going in. We see the orgasm, and the very point of conception. A bit squirts out here and there.
The room is full of cheering. The teenager sits, ashen, pale, scrunched up like a crushed spider, traumatised, parents both jubilant.