Richard III was put back in the ground this week, after being labelled too boring by viewers. The 500 year old skeleton was accused of being “Behind the times” and “Too quiet” by king fans, more used to more modern kings like Henry VIII, who recently experienced a massive comeback by being in The Tudors, despite being dead for years.
In a ceremony held beside the car park he was found in, the public jeered and tossed rotten potatoes as the sorry bones of the tedious skeleton, while it was bulldozed into landfill.
III was discovered in a car park some time ago, to some excitement from the public, who had thought that he would have some tales from the past upon his resurrection, and would then go on a national tour to perform, or perhaps film a hit tv series in which he emulates Henry VII. Instead, he just lay around being a pile of bones. The only success was an appearance on The One Show, where his inactivity actually improved the show.
Now, in 2015, Richard III was seen off aggressively by disappointed members of the public, who gathered to boo, jeer, spit, shake fists, and kick the earth like angry horses.
“Henry VIII did loads of brilliant stuff in The Tudors. He didn’t look 500. He looked like Johnathon Rhys Meyers and did all shagging and shouting and stuff. Richard III looks like a pile of boring bones. He did fuck all. Why were we paying our license fee for him to be on the telly?” said a spitting, red-faced man, who then drop kicked Richard III’s skull into a bin in joyous, angry scenes.
Children carried torches which they were encouraged to toss at the dead king’s face.
“FUCK OFF” was chanted by young and old, as the bones disappeared beneath the mud.