January sex tips.

MEN. Here is the eight things you should always do. THE ONLY EIGHT THINGS.

1. Cry. Women love a man in touch with their emotions. So cry. A lot. If you can’t be emotional, get an onion, and sellotape it to your eyelids, then do a sex. Make sure the onion doesn’t fall onto her face. If you can mix a sadness with an onion, all the better. Double tears!
2. Screaming is a good one. Everyone likes a good hearty scream during sex, especially if it’s a shrieking, terrified wail. Look directly at her face. At the point of orgasm, contort features into a series of bewildered, freakish expressions. Bellow. Yell. Unblinkingly, stare into her skull and scream your head off.
3. Props are a good one. Yeah. A good prop leads to a proper good shag obviously. Food is a good one. People need food to survive, and sex for the propagation of the species. So combine the two by reaching into a sack during the act, and emerging with a potato, which you fling at your lover’s face. Maybe a pea, or a peanut. Make sure they don’t have an allergy, unless that’s your thing.
4. Surprise her by disappearing when the lights are off, and replacing yourself with a ventriloquist’s dummy.
5. Make sure you cover all parts of the body properly. Consistently, like a map. Start out by putting a little flag to remember what body part you started on. Then proceed to snort your way across the entire body like a pig searching for fucking truffles.
6. Wear an antique diving helmet on your head with a single angry bee trapped inside. Unpredictable!
7. A bit of role play helps. Here’s a few classics you might want to try!
Butcher and Skeleton.
Cat and Spider.
Boromir and Copper Kettle.
Fox hunt orgy.
DUNE remake with Chuckle Brothers.
Bovril Morning.
Giger School Lunch.
Rebooting a 486.
Short shelf life on prawns.
8. Try having sex in Morse Code.

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About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. http://www.amazon.co.uk/frozen-fridge-Zoomeister-Diaries-ebook/dp/B00C426DD0/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366481719&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=a+frozen+turd+in+a+hot+frudge It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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