MEN. Here is the eight things you should always do. THE ONLY EIGHT THINGS.
1. Cry. Women love a man in touch with their emotions. So cry. A lot. If you can’t be emotional, get an onion, and sellotape it to your eyelids, then do a sex. Make sure the onion doesn’t fall onto her face. If you can mix a sadness with an onion, all the better. Double tears!
2. Screaming is a good one. Everyone likes a good hearty scream during sex, especially if it’s a shrieking, terrified wail. Look directly at her face. At the point of orgasm, contort features into a series of bewildered, freakish expressions. Bellow. Yell. Unblinkingly, stare into her skull and scream your head off.
3. Props are a good one. Yeah. A good prop leads to a proper good shag obviously. Food is a good one. People need food to survive, and sex for the propagation of the species. So combine the two by reaching into a sack during the act, and emerging with a potato, which you fling at your lover’s face. Maybe a pea, or a peanut. Make sure they don’t have an allergy, unless that’s your thing.
4. Surprise her by disappearing when the lights are off, and replacing yourself with a ventriloquist’s dummy.
5. Make sure you cover all parts of the body properly. Consistently, like a map. Start out by putting a little flag to remember what body part you started on. Then proceed to snort your way across the entire body like a pig searching for fucking truffles.
6. Wear an antique diving helmet on your head with a single angry bee trapped inside. Unpredictable!
7. A bit of role play helps. Here’s a few classics you might want to try!
Butcher and Skeleton.
Cat and Spider.
Boromir and Copper Kettle.
Fox hunt orgy.
DUNE remake with Chuckle Brothers.
Giger School Lunch.
Rebooting a 486.
Short shelf life on prawns.
8. Try having sex in Morse Code.