Tea and Violence with Titchmarsh.


“Hello. It is me, Alan Titchmarsh. Crap a bone out of your bumhole; I’m back with more tea related column action.

Whenever anyone asks me what I like about tea, I get them in a headlock and rub a tea bag on their head. Then I send them on their way with a bag of my personal piss, and a box of shit. What a stupid fucking question. I love tea because it is tea. I drink it. I smoke it. I burn bags of it in dustbins and then kick it down a hill. I disgust my friends with my tea encrusted testicles. I make pie with PG. I use Twinnings as fucking condoms. I fuck the shit out of my teapot daily and wank in the kettle.

When family come to visit, I hide in the cupboard and drill a hole in the door, pushing teabags through and telling them to shit or get off the fucking teapot. Time was a man could stuff tea under his foreskin and wander Wimbledon with a crown made of biscuits. Not fucking anymore. Not fucking anymore.

I love tea because I stink of it. I punch tea through walls. I spike coffee with tea. I go into Starbucks with a hammer and perform my tea justice, smashing the digusting coffee facists in the non-tea drinking chops, I push over the barista bastards. I put a shoe through the fucking donut display. I am the Lord of the Dance. The king of the shit. And my tea dildo will fucking do you.”


Cheers Alan. More from Alan’s tea column next week!


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. http://www.amazon.co.uk/frozen-fridge-Zoomeister-Diaries-ebook/dp/B00C426DD0/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366481719&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=a+frozen+turd+in+a+hot+frudge It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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