“Hello. It is me, Alan Titchmarsh. Crap a bone out of your bumhole; I’m back with more tea related column action.
Whenever anyone asks me what I like about tea, I get them in a headlock and rub a tea bag on their head. Then I send them on their way with a bag of my personal piss, and a box of shit. What a stupid fucking question. I love tea because it is tea. I drink it. I smoke it. I burn bags of it in dustbins and then kick it down a hill. I disgust my friends with my tea encrusted testicles. I make pie with PG. I use Twinnings as fucking condoms. I fuck the shit out of my teapot daily and wank in the kettle.
When family come to visit, I hide in the cupboard and drill a hole in the door, pushing teabags through and telling them to shit or get off the fucking teapot. Time was a man could stuff tea under his foreskin and wander Wimbledon with a crown made of biscuits. Not fucking anymore. Not fucking anymore.
I love tea because I stink of it. I punch tea through walls. I spike coffee with tea. I go into Starbucks with a hammer and perform my tea justice, smashing the digusting coffee facists in the non-tea drinking chops, I push over the barista bastards. I put a shoe through the fucking donut display. I am the Lord of the Dance. The king of the shit. And my tea dildo will fucking do you.”
Cheers Alan. More from Alan’s tea column next week!