Retro Reviews: Bear Bovver.

“What Hell hath brought me to this infernal mortal wasteland? I heaved, sobbing, casting rocks into the sun, blinking in the glare of the mushroom cloud, my flesh burning, my mouth screaming, my brain melting.

Metaphorically speaking, anyway.

The 80s were a difficult time. Nurturing my depressing, dismal little penis through the sad years of puberty, cold showers in Winter, aching through doomed crushes in the furnace of July. Youth, a continual tussle with acne and bowel infections.

None of this leads me to Bear Bovver, a game about a bear driving a shit new car.


Bear Bovver is the tale of a bear, called Ted. There’s nothing super about Ted though. He wears a tired, sickly smile, a resigned wave, a disappointing shirt. He has no shoes, and he owns an electrically powered van. Sadly, the van is not entirely economical to run, something Ted failed to understand when buying it.

It runs on a single, gigantic battery, and only travels about two feet. It then requires another massive battery. Ted, being an awfully stupid bear, only realises this upon driving it. Luckily, he ends up outside a building site, happily within which are some giant batteries. This will allow him to drive a little further.

Sadly for Ted, it’s also infested with murderous bears.


There’s a big problem I have with this. Why would he risk his life to be able to drive a really uneconomical van two feet at a time, by which time he may have been fucking killed, and also, what happens when he leaves this site? Surely he’d need another battery after having got two feet away? What’s he fucking thinking?

There’s another problem. What is that green thing? It’s never explained in the inlay writing or anywhere else, why exactly, an armless green sort of lizard thing is hanging out with three homicidal bears? Nothing, it’s totally arbitrary. What is it? What the Hell is it?

Bear Bovver. A pointless risking of life for small reward. Seven out of thirteen.



About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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