It’s nearly the time of year when the snow comes, bringing with it the usual slew of television reports about snow. If you’ve never heard of snow, the reports will happily tell you what it is. It’s like a sort of white frozen version of water, and the thing about it is, it sticks to stuff, so it goes all big. And you can make things out of it.
It also brings dead pensioners, shattered kneecaps from slipping over, and encourages absolute wankers to throw snowballs at everything and anyone as if it’s totally hilarious.
I like snow though. I’ve liked it ever since I saw it invented on The Snowman in the olden days, when a boy built a snowman out of cartoons, then went on a journey with the Snowman, probably breaking several laws.
Problem was, due to the brightness of sun, no man made of snow can survive. Obviously, the kid was too stupid to whack the cunt in the freezer, like some sort of arctic fucking E.T, so he just left him. Didn’t even look at the weather reports. When he comes out to see the Snowman, he’s surprised the poor cunt has melted.
Of course, it must have been agony for the Snowman. Left out in the cold overnight, ironically dead by day of the powers of the sun. Proof positive, you don’t fuck with the goddamned sun. Imagine if they’d filmed that bit. The Snowman, all happy to have formed a dubious friendship with a small boy, now, in that moment, starting to melt, his entire nervous system (He must have had one made out of sticks or something) breaking down, excruciating pain.
Of course, Ridley Scott would return to the universe of The Snowman with his prequel to it, Prometheus.
Lots of people were critical of it, saying it was nothing near as good as the original. Here’s Ridley on it.
“I wanted to go back; answer some questions about the snowman; who was he? Where did he come from? Was the Alien made by a race of snowmen as a biological weapon? I hope Prometheus answers those questions.”
Of course, Prometheus raised as many answers as it gave questions. Many were outraged by it, saying that the Snowman was nothing to do with Alien. However, nobody can argue that it was interesting to see the Snowman’s story expounded upon in this way.
Anyway, back to the Snowman himself, death came again in 2012, with the Snowman and Snowdog, an apologetically depressing tale in which the snowman is resurrected, but this time with a dog. Yet again, the snowman, along with the new son of that kid from the first film go on a trip with the dog in tow. There’s one difference this time. The snowman melts, probably melting while going “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, NOT AGAIN.”, while the dog stays put.
Right, so the fucking dog’s made of different snow, yeah?
So, Snowman is dead. He’s like the fucking snow-based Terminator. I hope he comes back to life and drowns the sorry cunt who made him. Whatever generation that is.
Also at this time of year, the inevitable pictures of snowmen hit the deck, or the telly. Mostly truly truly awful, terrible lumpen boulders of shame, made by kids. I know, I was one. Look at this diagram.
I wouldn’t want to show that on tv. Intentions being what they are, you want your snowman to look like the right one, yes, Ridley Scott’s original vision. However, mine, and every single other person’s snowman (Unless they’re brilliant at snow sculpting) ends up being a messy boulder of twigs and rolled up dog-shit, and urine, topped with a sad little pile of snow, with two fucking pathetic holes punched into it. Maybe with a walnut for eyes. Coal seemed too obvious.
Nothing’s ever what you want it to be. Just ask the Snowman.
I’m not sure where I was going with this.