Annoying my non-existent girlfriend.


“Yes, my brilliant womanly funster?”

“……right. Er..remember we’re going to see my parents tonight.”

“Yeah, er, I can’t go.”

“What? Why not?”

“Going to see Titanic remake with Will Self in it.”

“Right. Right, fine. What the fuck? There’s no such thing.”

“Yeah! I told you! Me and the cat are going to go and see it.”

“You can’t take a cat into a cinema.”

“I can. It’ll be dark and I’ll put the shitter under my coat.”

“…No…oh…look, anyway, Titanic with Will Self doesn’t exist!”

“Yes it does. Look at this.”




“Neil, you’ve made this up.”


“No I haven’t. It’s real. Look…WILL SELF IN TITANIC! Going to be well good.”

“What world do you live in Neil? I’m fed up with you doing these fucking shoddy paintshop mock ups! You’re not even trying! The fonts don’t match, and HIS HEAD obscures half the tagline, you fucking idiot!”

“So do you want to go? I can leave the cat behind.”

“Fucking shut it, Neil. We’re going to my parents in ten minutes.”


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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