Monthly Archives: November 2013

Retro Reviews: Bear Bovver.

“What Hell hath brought me to this infernal mortal wasteland? I heaved, sobbing, casting rocks into the sun, blinking in the glare of the mushroom cloud, my flesh burning, my mouth screaming, my brain melting. Metaphorically speaking, anyway. The 80s … Continue reading

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The Shakin’ Steven, opening soon.

Just got the menus through for my new restaurant The Shakin’ Steven. Really impressed with them!

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Birth Defects

“It was nine months ago I received the joyful news from my wife; a baby on the way! She was pregnant, after so many years of trying. I wept happy tears, we talked and talked, long into the night about … Continue reading

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Annoying my non-existent girlfriend. The Jumper.

“Neil?” “Yes, apple of my very¬†eyeball.” “You know I asked you to buy a present for my nephew? My sister’s son? Like a cute jumper or something?” “Yeah, got one done online…fucking cheap and all. Got a bear on it.” … Continue reading

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The Big Trouble In Little China Effect.

“Genre-defining. Spectacular. Inspirational. A brilliant, brilliant piece of cinema. Ground-breaking. Just some of the words I could use to describe the greatest moment in cinema, ever. Better than literally ANYTHING ON FILM. That bit from Big Trouble In Little China … Continue reading

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Just seen the track-list for One Direction’s Christmas album. It’s a bit odd.

¬† TITLE: Christmas from a collapsed lung. 1. The devil’s balls make idle playthings. 2. Christmas with Cantona’s Corpse.3. The baubles are smashed, the reindeer are dead.4. No presents for the kids, they’ve gone to hell.5. Burning foreskins around a … Continue reading

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Peter Jackson’s LOTR disasters.

We all remember the big fucking debacle in 2001. Lord of the Rings, we were told, would be a massive epic, comprising three brilliant chapters with the best cast! Elijah Wood, Ian Mckellan, Christopher Lee, all the best actors and … Continue reading

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