Non-Existent Girlfriend.


“Yes, my sculpture of feminine brilliance? My Aphrodite from the concrete jungle? My flowing, graceful one?”


“Er…yeah..fine. Whatever. You know I love you and everything? Despite the oddness of your character turning now from a sort of endearing eccentricity to something altogether more sinister?”


“Heh. Yeah, you love that shit.”


“I fucking tolerate it. Times are becoming a little strained though, after years of you sending mentally damaged shit to my parents. Dineage fucking my mum, my dad as a cock…”

“Cactus. I dre…”


“SHUT UP NEIL! You made him into a FUCKING COCK!”


“Things have been okay recently. For a year, nothing bad…you even got my mum some nice flowers for Christmas. She liked that. She said to me…”Maybe he’s just having a bad time…a phase.” And then…”


“Oh yeah! I sent her a card! She get it?”

“Yes. She got it. What, precisely, was your intention with this one Neil?”


“I wanted to sensitively and gratefully convey my eternal gratitude for her producing you; to show my appreciation for the simple gift of such an excellent person into the world…YOU. *Point at girlfriend.*”

“Right. So what would that usually entail?”






“Oh..yeah…in retrospect I woud have done it differently..”


“I forgot to draw her vagina.”


“FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU NEIL! I’m going to bed! My mum is in hospital with shock! My dad is in bits! You’ve ruined my life!”


“Sorry. Want a cup of tea?”

“NO! You’re not coming anywhere near me tonight you fucking freak, NEIL!”


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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