Good morning. So, my ideas for a new utopia. Apparently, the English are bored being outraged by the boring subjects. And let’s face it, the English are boring when they talk about anything. This is why the Daily Mail exists. It is the reactionary, boring twat paper.
I’ll give ’em something to crow about. Vote for me in your upcoming elections. I will ensure a total change in policies. Policies that will change the country for the worse. But in an original way.
1. Ipods only now play the sound of static. You will be able to download music, but every single song will be called “White noise”, and will just be that. I will force all to erect gigantic billboards and worship the concept of white noise. Scream, cry, and bow to the noise.
2. Spunk Donation.
MEN! Ever wished you could be traced by the offspring produced by your wank-pot? Well. I don’t care, because now you WILL be. Your mewling, tragic tadpoles will be traced throughout the time they’re in your balls (I’ll have x-ray machines in all clinics like fucking metal detectors at customs.) to track the seed. It’ll be copied, digitally enhanced, and the child’s face will be predicted and lasered onto the sperm like an engraving on a fucking penny.
When you get into the donation room, a camera films you masturbating over..er, I dunno, CROTCHET HAT MONTHLY. Because ALL literature in there will be deliberately detrimental to arousal. SECOND HAND VINYL WEEKLY. TRANSGENDER STAR TREK BEARS: REALITY OR MYTH? Something like that. You know. Horse trousers of the month.
Men are filmed wanking into a cup, and not told about it, until when the child is 16. At which point the chortling adoptive parents wheel the table of presents into the family room with a big smile saying “Cheers everybody! Happy Birthday!”. They think they’re doing a good thing, because parents do their best, don’t they? They’re forced by my government to deliver (Bow attached) a dvd (Or probably an mp4 in the futures), which the family MUST WATCH TOGETHER.
“BY THE WAY. You’re adopted. Wanna see how? Check this out.”
The family dim the lights. Junior watches a dim room slowly light up. There is a man, sixteen years ago, slowly unzipping trousers, and staring ahead with the concentration of a long jumper before the jump, or a cat taking a shit. He begins to work his bellend, face contorting, screaming.
“AGH! AAAAAAAAAAAARRHHHH!” Climax! A wad of white spunk blasts from his member into the pot. He stares into it, breathing heavily, and turns the tub in his hand, looking mildly ashamed. At this point, the camera rewinds, and ZOOM IN to the point of ejaculation, to the exact point the sperm is the child was made out of. And it has their own face. Indelibe, unbelievable.
So, adopted kids see their dads wanking into a pot years ago. NEW LAW.
I’ll be back with more laws later!