It’s a word that has become sorely lost in the modern world. The proliferation of gadgets, fast internet, speedy smoke signals and turbo-powered carrier pigeons has rendered patience a dead horse, a sad letter to a bygone age, a turnip in an Apple shop.
I truly learned the meaning of patience as a child, having waded through my first few years of bewildering experiences. Falling over a lot. Crying for no reason. Vomiting after consuming mashed apple. Flying into a rage if I could not have sweets.
Come to think of it, nothing much has really changed. The only difference is that these rages are mostly internal, and mostly impotent.
Sadly, my sorry bones are thirty-six, and patience is my only friend. Actually, it isn’t. My only friend is whisky, and I drink it constantly. My body decays, my skin wrinkles like a crisp packet in the sun. My penis is like an off-cut from the Promentheus latex department.
Anyway, we’re here to discuss old games. I don’t know what all that patience shit was about. Oh, yes. If you’re over twenty, you’ll remember that in the eighties, computer games took a long time to load.
Not like now, when they come out of space and sit in your lap in seconds like purple alien whores, no. Back then, you had to play a tape and sit and wait.
I had a Spectrum 48k, and I spent most of my youth waiting. My classmates were out playing kiss-chase, fingering each other in the toilets, and drinking Top Deck. I was waiting for Manic Miner to load.
Depressing. The ultimate outcome was never that palatable. Spectrum games had a knack for being more difficult than sewing black holes together using a tiny needle. I once spent so long playing Manic Miner, trying to complete a single level, that I wept like the grieving. Punishing stuff for a child.
We’re going to take a look at some of those old games in a feature I made now, called “RETROFRIDGE”
This week: Sabotuer.
Sabotuer promises much to an excited child. Look at this cover. The protagonist is doing three brilliant things.
1. Kicking someone’s face off.
2. Shooting at an unseen assailant at the same time.
3. Doing all this near an explosion.
Brilliant. And he’s already sorted one bloke already. And while looking really pissed off. The only downside to all this effort is that it doesn’t strike me as that stealthy. He’s making a right fucking racket by the looks of it.
Sabotuer looks great then. Here’s in-game when you finally get to it.
You walk through a green room very slowly in order to swing your leg at some bloke while he fires millions of bullets at you. Stealth. While a dog bites your ankles.
It’s brilliant. I cried a lot during my youth.