Here’s my new Christmas Play. It’s a Titanic re-write.
Brock Lovett: I am Brock. Or Hudson from ALIENS. You might also remember me in Twister, a shit film about wind being fast.
Brock: Sorry. Game over, man. Sorry. Water. There’s loads of it. (Talking to camera). This is the sea. Like a swimming pool, but with salt and loads of shit in it. Fish and stuff. Condoms. Broken bottles. Jellyfish.
Fat Bloke: What the fuck are you talking about boss?
Brock: Nothing. We’re looking for Titanic, that film what sank in James Cameron’s documentary about the ship we’re looking for in the film that he did. It’s a logic problem, a loop of sorts. Look, here is the wreck. Easy enough. If this submersible were to leak, we would all be fucking dead.
Fat bloke: Right, launching the er….the…thing with the arms…scouter.
Brock: It’s not a scouter, it’s a deep sea salvage unti.
Fat Bloke: Fucking rad. Let’s do this.
(Salvage vessel is launched, it looks at some old shit and goes in the ship.)
Brock: This is BRILLIANT. Just like the film what was out.
Fat bloke: This is disasterous. James is going to fucking NUT us.
Brock: Fuck off, he loves me. I was Hudson. I’m also in Tour of Duty. I think. I can’t remember.
Fat Bloke: This is Hockley’s room.
Brock: Yeah, check out that shit.
Fat Bloke: Someone left the water running.
Brock: Shut it, beard. Wait, what’s under that bed?
Fat Bloke: Give me my hands man.
(Lifts over bed. Safe under it. Brock grins.)
Fat Bloke: Oh BABY BABY! Are you seeing this boss?
Brock: It’s pay day beard.