Here’s my new Christmas Play. It’s a Titanic re-write.


Brock Lovett: I am Brock. Or Hudson from ALIENS. You might also remember me in Twister, a shit film about wind being fast.

Fat bloke with beard: Brock, we are searching for some treasures. Stop breaking the fourth wall.

Brock: Sorry. Game over, man. Sorry. Water. There’s loads of it. (Talking to camera). This is the sea. Like a swimming pool, but with salt and loads of shit in it. Fish and stuff. Condoms. Broken bottles. Jellyfish.

Fat Bloke: What the fuck are you talking about boss?

Brock: Nothing. We’re looking for Titanic, that film what sank in James Cameron’s documentary about the ship we’re looking for in the film that he did. It’s a logic problem, a loop of sorts. Look, here is the wreck. Easy enough. If this submersible were to leak, we would all be fucking dead.

Fat bloke: Right, launching the er….the…thing with the arms…scouter.

Brock: It’s not a scouter, it’s a deep sea salvage unti.

Fat Bloke: Fucking rad. Let’s do this.

(Salvage vessel is launched, it looks at some old shit and goes in the ship.)

Brock: This is BRILLIANT. Just like the film what was out.

Fat bloke: This is disasterous. James is going to fucking NUT us.

Brock: Fuck off, he loves me. I was Hudson. I’m also in Tour of Duty. I think. I can’t remember.

Fat Bloke: This is Hockley’s room.

Brock: Yeah, check out that shit.

Fat Bloke: Someone left the water running.

Brock: Shut it, beard. Wait, what’s under that bed?

Fat Bloke: Give me my hands man.

(Lifts over bed. Safe under it. Brock grins.)

Fat Bloke: Oh BABY BABY! Are you seeing this boss?

Brock: It’s pay day beard.


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. http://www.amazon.co.uk/frozen-fridge-Zoomeister-Diaries-ebook/dp/B00C426DD0/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366481719&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=a+frozen+turd+in+a+hot+frudge It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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