Annoying the girlfriend I don’t have.

“Hello Neil. How was your day?”

“Brilliant. I did a wanker sign at a cat and bought myself some amazing temporary tattoos. This one’s of David Starkey.”

Fascinating. Well, I’m going to have a cup of tea.”

“Oi, got you a present. It’s over there.”

“Eh? You DID remember my birthday!”

“Of course I did. I’m not a complete CUNT.”

“Alright, yeah. So, this is it? The wrapping paper’s a bit odd.”

“Just normal wrapping paper.”

“It’s toilet paper, Neil.

“Yeah, but it’s not used. I even took the fucking middle bit out.”

“Sigh. Alright, at least you tried. *Kiss*”

“Cheers. OPEN it then!”

“Oh, it’s a dvd. Oh. Oh dear.”



“Neil. As much as I love your eccentricity, your mad sense of humour and cheek, this is sort of taking the fucking piss.”

“You said you wanted this for Christmas.”

“Yeah. I want this FILM. What you’ve done here, is mocked up a shit drawing of it on a paint program, and slid it into an empty DVD cover.”

“No I didn’t. It’s the REAL film.”

“It clearly isn’t. Look at it, Neil.”


“Do you think under ANY circumstances that I would think this is real? What’s inside, oh, a blank DVD with the same picture on.”

“It isn’t blank. It’s got pictures of my arse on it.”


“I thought you’d be pleased.”

“WHY? Because you gave me a shit mock up of Prometheus with a cd featuring pictures of your arse?”

“My cock’s in it t…”

“FUCK. Why did you make the end “S” red?”

“Made a mistake on the font. I swapped colours before I de-selected text”

“You’re a prick. I’m going to bed. Your “Hammerpede” is coming nowhere near me tonight.”



About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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