Today we’re making burgers. Burgers have been around since before food, but are a food themselves. I know, it’s odd. Here’s how to make a beef burger.
You’ll need a kitchen. I use one like this. It’s a kitchen with a light, an oven, and some utensils. I am doing today’s recipe wearing a medical gown. That way if something happens I can go straight into the hospital.
Get some mince and mix it with an onion. A whole onion may be difficult to mix, so you may want to chop it first, using a stick or a credit card. A knife would be ideal though. Using your hands, smear the mix all over your face and scream at the kids, shouting “GO BACK TO FUCKING SCHOOL. THE HOLIDAY IS OVER. LEAVE ME BE.” before falling over and crying into the floor.
When you wake up at eight in the evening, still crying, go back to the kitchen and add ketchup to the mix, before adding some herbs and salt and pepper. Make some burger shapes. Grill or shallow fry, making sure they’re binded enough to stop them falling apart like a cadaver’s ears.
When cooked, bring them up to the mouth with a fool’s hope. Scream yourself to sleep. Wake up the next day feeling a sadness you cannot explain. Go to work. Sit at a terminal staring through the screen, not at it. Think about the burgers you made last night. Sob.”