Film 07

Some film ideas I came up with in the year of the  haddock, 2007,


So, what are the Christmas films guaranteed to get the family laughing into their fucking stockings, eh?

Woods you believe it

Litte Timmy’s parents buy him a television for Christmas. Timmy is very pleased, and excitedly sets it up in his bedroom. However, as soon as he switches it on, all it ever shows is the mythical beast Cerberus, with the face of actor James Woods superimposed onto one of it’s heads. Over a sustained period of time, Timmy is systematically terrorised by the Cerberus/Woods beast, as it continually leers into the screen, with Wood’s face angrily shouting and swearing. Some highlights:

“Hey, asshole! Welcome to Christmas, kid! I’m James Woods, and if you stop watching, i’ll tear yer a new fuckin’ hole!”


“What do I pay you for kid, to lie there FUCKIN’ CRYIN’?”

Timmy’s parents don’t believe him, and Woods continues his campaign of terror. Timmy tries to sleep, but Woods wakes him up every time his eyes close. The film has no happy ending. The credits end with the sharp ticking of a distant clock and no Christmas bells whatsoever.

Assholes and Elbows.

A Christmas comedy featuring two families; the assholes and the elbows, who just can’t get on at Christmas. Simple really. Features shitting in letterboxes, pigeon theft, and dog sodomy. All the Xmas chortles.

You must be at least this tall to ride

Features Tom Cruise taking his kids to a funfair, and being the only one in the fuckin’ family not allowed on the ride. During the film he argues with staff, tries to break into the ride, and tries to fool staff by wearing a big hat, strapping raw chickens to his feet, and stapling a fucking box to his feet.

Tim Allen’s Sperm Circus

A feel good comedy where Santa calls on Tim Allen, and decides to punish him for a lifetime of shit movies, by making him put on a circus, that, unbenkownest to the audience, merely features Allen pulling himself into a shoe, and being forced to drink it, while the audience gasps in concurrent horror. Even better, this is slowed down to make the film last an hour and a half.


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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