Just made a soup, here’s what my cookery show about it would be like.
“If a man shits in the forest, does he make a soup? No. Because he’s in a forest having a shit. Welcome. I’m Phyllis. And this is cooking with Phyllis. Me.
A lot of people say soup is the liquid of the food world. It sort of is. But it’s not a drink. It is a soup. Soups come in many sizes, but only two flavours. Chicken. Or chicken and vegetable.
Get the onion and cut it with a knife, which you can find in any shop in the world. If you don’t have a knife, simply use teeth or hands to rend it apart. If you don’t have teeth or hands, use a chair leg to smash it up.
Potatoes. Funniest vegetable ever. Peel with a peeler, and chop into the shape of choice. I like cube, you may differ. Slices appeal to some. Fry onions and potatoes in a pan while standing still and staring into a fixed point that is beyond human understanding. Take an anti-depressant. Eat a sandwich as you are too hungry to wait for the soup.
When you are satisfied internally, get the stock. Chicken stock or veg. Boil the kettle. Scream silently into a fist, or punch a window. Pour the stock into the pan and stand there watching it simmer for two hours. You may not leave. When it is all nicely simmered, eat it with tears in your eyes and a war in your heart. Next time we’ll be making facehugger burgers. Now FUCK OFF.”