INT: Man’s house
I’m going on holiday for two weeks. I shall be going to Borneo. What or where that is, i’m not entirely sure, as I just booked it without reading the brochure properly. It’s going to be fucking brilliant. The reason i’m telling you this, is you’re house sitting when i’m gone.
Man: Don’t look at me like that, you cunt. I need a holiday, and I do enough for you around here, you lazy canine fucker.
Right, you better look after the place well. For no reason at all, i’ve left sixty cigarrettes burning in that ashtray. I’m sure you can take good fucking care of it.
Man: Brilliant. See you then.
(Man leaves, dog sits in room while smoke fills the place. Runs to window and barks loudly at man walking down path)
(Muffled) BARK! YELP! RAAAUUGH!
Man: Fuck off. (Does a wanker sign back at window). Lazy cunt. MAKE SURE THE BOILER DOESN’T OVERHEAT! AND DON’T FORGET TO TURN THE OVEN OFF THAT I’VE LEFT ON!
(Two weeks later)
Man: Brilliant two weeks. I wonder how my dog got on looking after the place. FUCK!
(House is burned to shit. Dog is sitting in the middle of the ruins, panting, with a blackened coat, but otherwise unharmed)
Man: What did I fucking say?
Man: Stupid cunt.