Annoying the girlfriend I don’t have.


“Yes, my untamed Aphrodite. My effervescent, burning flame.”

“Er, yeah. Wanted to talk to you about something. ”

“Go for it, my love.”

“As much as I admire your poetic cadence, your ability to weave words into something beautiful, captivating, and sensual, I have some misgivings about certain…eccentricites that you appear to have.”

“Like what?”

“Well, for a start, at this moment, you are sellotaping peanuts to the cat’s head.”


“As you know, it was my mum’s birthday this weekend. I told you not to make one of your cards. I said to buy one. From the shops. You can get a nice one for two pounds. Not much to ask.”

“Yeah…er..I did.”

“No you fucking didn’t, Neil. You sent her THIS:


“Oh. Yeah, I did yeah.”

“Yeah. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? She’s fucking crying herself stupid about this. You really offended her.”


“SORRY! What was your fucking thinking?”


“I mean what?”

“It’s Shakin’ Stevens…”


“It’s from a computer game on the Spectrum. His face in 8bit. It was on an album. It was really good..”

“What the fuck’s it got to do with my mum? You saying she likes an 8bit version of Shakin’ Steven’s cock?”


“What then? Well…you’re not coming near me with your cock, 8bit or fucking 16 bit, or whatever it is, Neil. Go fuck yourself.”


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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