It’s a good thing Valentine’s Day exists. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t know when to be in love or have sex, so this day is important. It is obviously important to buy stuff for your loved one on this day rather than any other. It means more, obviously.
Here are some of my favourite Valentine’s Cards for wooing your intended. They work 97% of the time.
“Pecking at the crumbs of your affection, like a desperate, wingless bird.”
“Whimpering in the corner of your un-swept stable, like a horse with its bollocks stuck in a mangle.”
“Vomiting and falling over in the canal of your love, stinking of piss and shitting into a cup.”
“Eating a raw potato, in the stinking cave of your love.”
“Our sex life is as rewarding as watching pig’s bladders being driven over for fourteen hours a day.”
“I am licking the back of my hand in the rancid skip of your love.”
“I am tying a noose while sobbing to my cat, who displays no interest in my plight. It just licks its balls.”
“Cloying sentiment to distract from the shattered ennui of our doomed relationship.”
“Reducing the full blooded vibrancy of romantic ardour, to something akin to the world’s blandest rice cake.”
“Our relationship is as depressing as putting Santa’s head on a stick outside a fucking children’s hospital.”
“I feel like I’m being slowly hung and you’re the noose.”
“It’s not so much that we fight like dog and cat. We have sex like dog and cat; and the result is disgusting.”
“You have one beautiful eye. One. The other is underwhelming.”