Annoying my non existent girlfriend.


“Yes, my Aphrodite.”

“Huh. Er….you know I love you. And I do appreciate your fine, beautiful prose.”


“Well…I….what are you doing?”

“I’m pushing a rat skull into this Kinder Egg. Gonna shit ’em down the fucking newsagent.”

“…………fine. As I was saying…as much as I love you, I have a problem…”

“What is it?”

“My mum’s birthday was last week. You said you would buy a card for her. I wouldn’t have to worry, you said. Your weird card making days were over, you said.”





“It’s a cactus with a dog’s head on it.”

“It’s not a fucking cactus. It’s a cock with a dog’s head on it. You’ve drawn a cock with a dog’s head. THAT EVEN HAS “DOG COCK” written on it!”


“EVEN if it was a cactus, it would STILL BE MENTAL!”

“Sorry. Do you want a massage?”

“No. And your “dog” isn’t coming anywhere near me tonight either. Go fuck yourself.”



About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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