I didn’t have an exciting childhood. I spent most of it thinking about the imminent eradication of my being by nuclear bombs. I wandered through a depressed fug, waiting for Spectrum games to load while I stared through the window into a wasteland.
The most exciting thing to happen to me when I was a child was the release of Shakin’ Steven’s “The Bop Won’t Stop”, a terrible album by a terrible singer. I hate Shakin’ Stevens. I never listened to the album, except on days when I had truly given up. Usually Sundays.
Thing is, the shit had hidden a game on the cassette, which to my futile head was the most thrilling thing in the world. A pop album! With a fucking computer game on it! My life was shit, but this made it bearable. For some reason, the astonishment of it distracted me from the fact that the game was shit.
Fucking look at it. Shaky has to get….well..somewhere while avoiding giant bats and in his car. Presumably, Shaky lives at the centre of a giant maze that has giant bats constantly moving in it. Didn’t he think about that in the planning? Prick. Shaky has three lives, which is also clearly untrue. He is a middle aged man now. Like all of us, he will one day die and will not come back. None of us will.
This game is terrible. I was happy with it, though. I forgot about the mushroom clouds and remained locked in my battle, being Shaky and avoiding death at a bat’s ha….er..wings.
If you lose, you get this screen…
Cheers for that, Shaky. He shouted the first line, which makes him sound demented and angry. He looks disappointed in me. It’s like being punched in the face by Santa Claus. I hate you, Shaky. I hate you because you made me like this.