Santa slit open the letter and sat back in his chair, tugging at his beard.
“dear santas! my name is alice i am 5. i have been gd pls cn i have a pony and also a pink telly thanx xx”
Santa’s brow wrinkled, as he took up his pen and touched it to paper to scribe a reply.
This is Santa. I have checked my records, and as regards your apparent good behaviour, my system flagged up two notes of misdemeanour. One, you stole your mum’s purse in June, and two, you threw a stone at a dog and this caused it to experience mild concussion.
Therefore, you forfeit rights to any presents of choice. I am going to instead be leaving you a signed picture of Bobby Davro (Not even his signature, it’s my own forgery) and a sock full of rotten nuts. Now fuck off.”