Non Existent Girlfriend.

“Neil. Can I have a word?”

“Of course, treacle.”

“What are you up to?”

“Erm. I’m putting shoes on my hands to pretend I have four feet.”

“………..fine. Neil, you know I love you? And your effortless penchant for romantic prose always is something I find admirable…”

“Yeah. I’m well good at that.”

“…well. I can’t help thinking that despite this, some of your actions lately have been a little….well….demented.”

“How so?”

“Well. Last week, as you know, it was my mum’s birthday. I asked you to buy a card. Not make. BUY.”

“Yeah..they ran out of cards…they had no birthday cards left..”

“Card shops NEVER run out of cards.”

“Ermmm….”

“That’s not even the point. The point is, I asked you for a card for her and you did produce a card. There’s only one problem with it.”

“Really?”

“Yes. It doesn’t mention her birthday at all. And that’s….actually…what the FUCK IS THIS?”

Image

“It’s my penis pissing cat heads.”

“……………………”

“I thought she would like it..”

“WELL SHE FUCKING DOESN’T! And that isn’t your penis. That is a drawing of a penis. Where did you get that picture?”

“It’s about fifth on the Google results for “Cat”. I’ve used it before.”

“Whose cat is it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well. My mum is in bits. You’re not putting that “penis” in me tonight, Neil. Fuck off.”

*Slams door.*

“Lucky she hasn’t seen the one I did of my cock spunking dog’s faces I sent to her dad.”

 

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About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. http://www.amazon.co.uk/frozen-fridge-Zoomeister-Diaries-ebook/dp/B00C426DD0/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366481719&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=a+frozen+turd+in+a+hot+frudge It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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