Annoying my non existent girlfriend.


“Yes, my effervescent moonbeam?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m making a necklace out of Refreshers. Some of them are disintegrating. I think I need some sort of small drill. Or perhaps a pin. Do you have a pin?”

“You’re a thirty five year old man.”

“Exactly. What’s up?”

“You know it was my dad’s birthday last week?”

“Yeah. Heh. I sent him a card.”

“Yes you did. And do you remember what was written on that card?”

“Hmmm…I am pretty sure it was “Happy Birthday. May your day be full of wonder and beauty.”

“No. It did not. You wrote this on it.

Thanks for stuffing your milk up your wife so that she blasted out my girlfriend. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY SACKBALLS.”

Yeah. Might have done that. Probably should not have drawn that picture of a horse’s scrotum with his and her faces on it either. Might be rude.”

“MIGHT BE RUDE? MIGHT BE FUCKING RUDE? YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT, NEIL. You’re not putting your milk up me anytime soon. Fuck off.”

*Slams door.*

“Jesus. Better not tell her about that card I did for her mum featuring her in a threesome with a pantomime horse.”


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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