Dating advice for Tuesday.

If you are on a date tonight, have some advice on it from my head. It’s all going to be okay. Follow these stages and you too could be walking down romance avenue. (I am not)

1. Greet her with a handshake. This creates contact, and that is good. Maybe shake both hands, wildly, while grinning and laughing a little bit too much. Perhaps open eyes wide and mouth too. Stare directly into her eyes and leer like a skull.

2. Playful antics create humour. Women like humour, so do funny things. Pretend to be a bull by putting your fingers on your head and pretending to gore her. She will think this is brilliant. Especially if you do it CONSTANTLY. Have a boxing match with her shadow. If she does not have a shadow, do mime boxing moves at her. She will think this is hilarious, especially after the the third hour of fake uppercuts.

3. Women like men who are potential fathers. Okay, so you may not have kids yet. Show her you can be a good dad by producing an egg or a potato that you’ve drawn a face on. Tell her it is your child. Perhaps carry it in a cot. On the date. Excuse yourself at regular intervals so that you can change its nappy. Hurl the potato at a wall and walk out shouting.

4. Women also like pets, so bring your cat with you. If it is a nightclub or a rowdy pub, you may want to keep it in a cat carrier.

5. If you get to the kiss moment, keep eyes open, and mention how blurred she looks close up. Don’t cough or be sick, no matter how much whisky you’ve had. It isn’t the time. If you need to be sick, excuse yourself and do it in a bush. Then come back and kiss her. If she’s gone, go home and stare into a mirror for fourteen hours, weeping.



About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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