“Hello darling…

“Hello darling. You look like a sunrise after a forty year night.”

“Thankyou, Neil. What are you up to?”

“Well. I have just dropped your parent’s Easter present off.”

“Oh Jesus.”

*Phone rings. Girlfriend goes to hall. Murmuring is heard. Followed by screaming. Then a crash. She walks back in.*

“Er….Neil. That present you sent my mum and dad.”

“I wanted to make them know I was happy about you being in the world. What can I say? I am sentimental.”

“Right, so why the fuck did you give them a plank of wood with this written on it?”

Cheers to your husband and you

For making your daughter blast out of your womb

“…..Thought they would like it.”

“Well, they didn’t. Do you realise how offensive that is?”

“If you think that one’s bad, wait until you see the rock I sent them with a picture of them conceiving you on it.”

“CHRIST! Well, i’m not going near your fetid stick tonight. Fuck off.”

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About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. http://www.amazon.co.uk/frozen-fridge-Zoomeister-Diaries-ebook/dp/B00C426DD0/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366481719&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=a+frozen+turd+in+a+hot+frudge It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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