My non existent girlfriend is not happy.

“Morning.”

“Hello Neil. What are you up to?”

“Well. I’ve just finished making you a present. Here it is.”

“Oh good. A carrier bag with a bear’s face drawn on it in crayon. Brilliant.”

“I love you, what can I say?”

“Neil. While I admire your abililty to create and move, to touch with your words, I can’t help thinking that there is something…mildly wrong with you.”

“Heh. Yeah. I’m a card. Some would call it eccentrically endearing.”

“Yes. There is that. Some would also say that you were also a little bit demented. My mother has just phoned. She isn’t happy. I’ve spoken to you about these….pictures.”

“OH! Yes. I made you one earlier. It’s of you pulling the eyeballs out of a minotaur’s head.”

“Leave that until later. You’ve really done it this time. You sent MY MUM THIS”

Image

“Now then, what the FUCK IS THIS. My mother is crying. She thinks i’m pregnant.”

“You’re not?”

“No. I’m on the fucking pill. YOU KNOW I’M NOT PREGNANT! WHY DID YOU DRAW THIS? WHY WOULD YOU SAY I AM PREGNANT..”

“…Can I just sa..”

“..SHUT UP. WHEN I AM NOT. AND THEN SAY MY MOTHER LOOKS LIKE A PINK SCREAMING BALL!” CHRIST NEIL!”

“Just thought it would be fun…”

“It isn’t. And you won’t be impregnating me with your SCREAMING BALL PINK FACE SPUNK ANYTIME SOON!” *Slams door*

“She seems angry. Better not show her the eagle fetus pic I sent to her dad.”

*Phone rings from other room. Screaming is heard.*

“Shit.”

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About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. http://www.amazon.co.uk/frozen-fridge-Zoomeister-Diaries-ebook/dp/B00C426DD0/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366481719&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=a+frozen+turd+in+a+hot+frudge It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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