More arguments with the girlfriend I don’t have.

“Right. You’re meeting my mum tonight. Don’t embarrass me. You know what I mean.”

“What could I possibly do to embarrass you?”

“These. (Shows me several pictures I have done.) Now, you know I find these funny….sometimes. But, and this is a big but, some people might view them as making you look a bit like a mental.”

“How so?”

“Example. This one’s got a picture of Phillip Schofield with a demon’s eyes screaming into a bin. There’s one here of a dog’s head floating over a candle and barking the theme from Top Gun. You might come across a bit odd, that’s all I am saying. DON’T DO ANY OF YOUR CARDS FOR MY MUM.”

“Fine. I promise I will not embarrass you.”

LATER

“Hello Mum. This is Neil. He’s a writer. Well, sort of. He mainly works in a pub, don’t you Neil?”

“YES. It’s not embarrassing.”

“…..erm. Delighted, Neil. She’s told me nice things about your writing. Very romantic..very visual.”

“Cheers. Nice to meet you too, here’s a card.”

“….thankyou!”

(Girlfriend slaps forehead. Her mum takes the card. She opens it. This is what she sees.)

Image

“Oh..that’s…nice. Thankyou.”

 

LATER AT HOME.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? I SAID NO CARDS! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? YOU HAVE FUCKING RUINED MY LIFE. MY MUM IS SO UPSET.”

“Just thought it would be funn..”

“Well it FUCKING ISN’T FUNNY IS IT? Time and a place, Neil, time and a fucking place! And this…THIS IS NOT IT!”

“Sorry. Do you want some tea.”

“No. I want to fucking scream. Fuck off. Actually, no..I mean, are you calling my mum Fred Dineage? It’s confusing. Is the Dineage word seperate? Or is it part of a sentence. If it is part of it, you’re saying that my mum looks like Fred Dineage. If it isn’t then DINEAGE is IRRELEVANT! What the hell does it mean anyway?”

“Er..Dineage just appeared in my mind when I wrote it. I laughed a bit, I thought it would be a funny surprise.”

“Yeah, well it fucking isn’t. If you think you’re going anywhere near me with that flaccid pipe of yours tonight you can fuck off. ”

“Does this mean I shouldn’t have sent her that Oedipus Complex card in the post either then? Birthday present.”

“FUCK!”

 

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About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. http://www.amazon.co.uk/frozen-fridge-Zoomeister-Diaries-ebook/dp/B00C426DD0/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366481719&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=a+frozen+turd+in+a+hot+frudge It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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