Date out of ten.

I’m not what you would call a Casanova. I have had, in my entire life, two relationships. I’m not, you see, that good at flirting. I can’t do it. I see others doing it; spinning off lines, effortlessly dancing the dance, while I stumble over words and talk about pantomime horses and bee’s nests. I’m terrible at chat up lines, I don’t like them.

Everyone else is good at it. Literally everyone. Including you. My only romantic history has come from my writing; every time. My first was an American called Suzanne, who inexplicably fell in love with me purely through my knack for describing human emotions through words. I discovered that though I was terrible at flirting, I was good at all the other stuff.

Er, at least until we split up. Then, there was Selina, with whom I spent a few happy days in Plymouth, cooking beans and tuna, watching The Lost Boys and wandering the seaside, a gentle time.

Now, I’ve been alone for a while. Aside from some sporadic attention, this remains so. Truth is, I can’t do it, and I find it hard to learn. I’ve been in situations of possible romantic attention, only to completely ignore the signals, if they exist at all. I can’t do chat up lines, so that’s out.

So, I am the last person who should give advice on dating. On that note, here is my guide to dating.

1. Turn up feeling comfortable. Slip off your shoes on the way in, hurl them across the room. Sit down, feet on the table, hands behind head, laughing uncontrollably. Gaze around the room.

2. See someone you find attractive. Some would say don’t let on, don’t stare too much. I say, stare directly at them, never breaking gaze. Don’t blink. If you blink, you miss everything. Hold your eyes open with your fingers, wide eyeballs, staring into their souls. They need to know you are so interested in them, that you can never break away. Open your mouth in a silent scream. Stare at them like a baby would stare at someone. It’s quite effective, to lie gurgling with your head lolling against the chair and your tongue hanging out like a fucking sock. Drool makes women think you like them more. It’s natural. Maybe allow some to drop onto the floor.

3. Women like to know you’re literally astonished by their beauty. A healthy, bellowed “JESUS!” does the trick. Or maybe look at your groin and shout “FUCK! IT’S LIKE THERE’S A CHESTBURSTER IN MY FLIES!”. Or, the classic cartoonish look. A quick rub of the eyes with fists, before jutting head forward and staring in a shocked way.

4. Make an excuse to talk to her. Lob a pound at her feet and crawl across the floor to pick it up. Try picking it up with your mouth, it takes longer. More to talk about. Look up at her and start sobbing hysterically, possibly with some screams and hyperventilating. Women like pathetic, sad men. It makes them feel broody or something.

5. Women like babies. Take a picture of a baby’s face and cut it out, pasting it on your face. Wear nothing but a massive nappy. It’ll be a riot in a busy pub. She will want to LOOK AFTER YOU.

6. Offer her a picture you have drawn on both of you grinning from a kennel’s entrance. Women like dogs, and small buildings. She will want to do you in a kennel now.

7. Presents are always a good idea. Top Five Gifts women like. 1. Beano annual 1982. 2. Golden rabbit’s fist. 3. Shakin’ Stevens biggest selling The Bop Won’t Stop. (It has a Spectrum game on it), 4. Pineapple. 5. A single shoe.

Well, I hope this gets you started. Happy dating, and remember, shit the love wherever you can.


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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