Monthly Archives: March 2012

Non-Existent Girlfriend.

“Neil.” “Yes, princess?” “What the fuck is going on?” “What? What’s wrong?” “Just got back from seeing dad. He’s fucking raging. Says you sent him a picture of a cock.” “What? NO. All I did was this..look.” “I wanted to … Continue reading

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Annoying my imaginary girlfriend.

“Hello, darling.” “Hello Neil. What are you doing today? Got work?” “No. I have been beavering away at some tweets. It is brilliant. I made some new pictu…” “Really. What sort of pictures?” “Er…” “Not that mad crude shit you … Continue reading

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Annoying my non existent girlfriend again.

“Neil?” “…yeah? Hello, darling.” “Hello. What are you watching?” “I’m watching the Un-birth of Lenny Henry. It’s a program where a fully adult Lenny Henry is forced back into the womb, head first, it’s fucking brilliant.” “Right..right.” “Is something wrong?” … Continue reading

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More arguments with the girlfriend I don’t have.

“Right. You’re meeting my mum tonight. Don’t embarrass me. You know what I mean.” “What could I possibly do to embarrass you?” “These. (Shows me several pictures I have done.) Now, you know I find these funny….sometimes. But, and this … Continue reading

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I’m not in a r…

I’m not in a relationship. If I was i’d likely be having this argument today. “You look fine, really. You look beautiful. You’d look good in a bin bag.” “What, you want me to wear a bin bag?” “No! No. … Continue reading

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Date out of ten.

I’m not what you would call a Casanova. I have had, in my entire life, two relationships. I’m not, you see, that good at flirting. I can’t do it. I see others doing it; spinning off lines, effortlessly dancing the … Continue reading

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