There is a rather irritatingly presumptuous status update on Facebook doing the rounds currently. It says “No matter how cynical you are, if a toddler offers you their ringing phone, you answer it.”

Now, I sort of agree with this, you can’t really refuse to do it. Their little face beaming as you pretend to talk to someone who isn’t really there. It’s something I do a lot anyway, don’t even need a plastic phone or a toddler. I haven’t got kids. I just talk to myself.

I thought of this sketch though. I did this while on a train. Inspiration struck like a turd scandal. I imagined the following.

A man is on a train. A chortling child with a plastic phone approaches, making a ringing sound. The man smiles, takes the phone, he answers it. In the ensuing “pretend” phonecall, he says this:

“Hello? Oh, hello boss. How’s things? Right……….right. I see. You’re…sacking me. Sacked. After ten years…just…sacked like that. What am I going to do? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I’ve GOT A FUCKING MORTGAGE! I’M GOING TO LOSE EVERYTHING! OH GOD. PLEASE…PLEASE DON’T…I’ll do better, I honestly WILL. ARRRGH!”

Throwing the phone down, the man sobs into his hands, screaming intermittently. The astonished and terrified child looks on. THAT’S HOW MY MIND WORKS.


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s