There is a rather irritatingly presumptuous status update on Facebook doing the rounds currently. It says “No matter how cynical you are, if a toddler offers you their ringing phone, you answer it.”
Now, I sort of agree with this, you can’t really refuse to do it. Their little face beaming as you pretend to talk to someone who isn’t really there. It’s something I do a lot anyway, don’t even need a plastic phone or a toddler. I haven’t got kids. I just talk to myself.
I thought of this sketch though. I did this while on a train. Inspiration struck like a turd scandal. I imagined the following.
A man is on a train. A chortling child with a plastic phone approaches, making a ringing sound. The man smiles, takes the phone, he answers it. In the ensuing “pretend” phonecall, he says this:
“Hello? Oh, hello boss. How’s things? Right……….right. I see. You’re…sacking me. Sacked. After ten years…just…sacked like that. What am I going to do? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I’ve GOT A FUCKING MORTGAGE! I’M GOING TO LOSE EVERYTHING! OH GOD. PLEASE…PLEASE DON’T…I’ll do better, I honestly WILL. ARRRGH!”
Throwing the phone down, the man sobs into his hands, screaming intermittently. The astonished and terrified child looks on. THAT’S HOW MY MIND WORKS.