Love is a many splintered thing. Especially if you smash a wardrobe over your lover’s head in a rage. Don’t do that. Do this. Last night I was reading through a list called “Make a girl smile.” Seems fair enough, apart from some ridiculous points such as “Tell her you love her every second, all day.”. That isn’t physically possible, unless you practise speed speaking for a living.

So shut up. Saying I love you, is not the words I want to hear from you. Because the more you say it, the less it means. It becomes dull, predictable. Said repeatedly, it ceases to mean anything.

Anyway, here’s the list.

Sigh. The list rests on the assumption that all girls are the same. We all know that’s not true. Here’s my version of the list.

1. Tell her she’s beautiful. I kind of agree with that one, actually. The word beautiful, is infinitely more preferable to “Fit”, or “Hot.” Fit means nothing, it to me means physically able. It means you think she’s less likely to die. You may as well say “You’re looking a reasonable health. I don’t think you’ll be suffering from any ailments today. Certainly, you appear to be of a physical fitness condusive to a long life. WELL DONE.”

2. Hold her hand at any moment, even if it’s for a moment. This all depends on the woman’s penchant for physical affection. Some women don’t like being hand grabbed, especially during a shit. At ANY moment means technically that you could rush in, while she’s on the pisser, and grab her hand. “You’re doing alright”, you’d say, staring into her scared eyes. “Just shit, darling…just shit.” She would dump you, not because of the hand grabbing, but because you’re doing in while she’s having a shit. Also don’t hold her hand if she’s sobbing hysterically and punching walls. Women don’t like that. Don’t hold her hand if she’s eating. All the way through it. So she has to eat with one hand.

3. Kiss her on the forehead. Oh, fine, fine. However, this could to me, be construed as rather like kissing a peasant, or an underling, but then, i’m thinking of things to take the piss out of. Which leads me to this. Women fucking love it if you kiss them on the chin, or the eyeball. What they really like, especially in public, is to be kissed firmly on the back of the head. Usually in front of astonished onlookers.

4. Leave her voice messages to wake up to. Yep. Remember, the ONLY thing women like to hear on a voice message when waking up is the theme from BACK TO THE FUTURE as intoned by a depressed man being sporadically sick in a metal drum. NOTHING ELSE WILL SUFFICE.

5. Always tell her you love her, every second of the day. No. If you say it that often, like I said, it means fuck all. It’s like tossing marshmallows at her constantly, firstly, it’s charming and sweet, after a while, it becomes fucking annoying. Go the other extreme. NEVER stop telling her you love her, even when she’s asleep. In fact, buy a megaphone, and yell directly into her sleeping face at four in the morning. “OI! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! OI! OI! I LOVE YOU YEAH?” Her red eyes will tell you a story of love.

6. When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you. I sort of agree with this one, but don’t go overboard. Don’t keep hold of her, and carry her around the entire time she’s upset. It’s just going to be inconvenient. Especially when getting on the tube. She’ll look like a rag doll dangling from your body.

7. Recognise the small things, they mean the most. Like I said in a tweet yesterday, “They say little things make you happy, well, i’ve got a small penis, but that never seems to make you happy.” Don’t thrust your small penis at her all day shouting “SEE? SMALL. SEE IT, RECOGNISE IT. BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. I READ IT IN A FUCKING LIST.” Take this further by only buying tiny objects for the house and her birthday. A grape for Valentine’s Day, a raisin for the anniversary dinner. When she says you misunderstood the saying, and it was a different meaning, say “Oh, fucking tell me now why don’t you. I have ten sultanas out the back I was going to give you later. Can I have a blowjob anyway?”

8. Sing to her, no matter how bad your voice is. I don’t think so, mate. Singing might be romantic, and you can get away with a certain amount of being shit, but no woman wants to be serenaded by a man who sounds like a pigeon being shat through a mangle. If you’re going to be shit, be shit. Just bellow like a drunk in a skip. “YER KNOW THAT I COULD FUCKING USE…SOMEBODY..GEEZ..SOMEONE LIKE YOU”. My favourite method is to oscillate wildly between notes and just shout “DER DER FUCKING DER”. Sing incoherently, always incoherently.

9. Pick her over all the other girls you hang with. I thought that was the point. Are you seeing this girl? If so, surely that’s a default. You wouldn’t do this…

“Alright? I’m going out with seven girls tonight, two of whom are my exes. You’re not invited. Here’s a straight to DVD film starring Steve Guttenberg. Have fun. Good thing is, i’ll be well fucking randy later.”

That’d make you a CUNT wouldn’t it?

10. Write her a note. Women love them. I kind of agree. From experience, writing something for a girl makes quite the difference. But you’ve GOT to be original. It’s no good writing “Give me your fucking handbag.” That’s old hat. You need to write something romantic that isn’t mental. Don’t write “Roses are red, violets are blue, I masturbated to orgasm while thinking of you.” Write “Jesus FUCK, I wouldn’t mind planting a demon’s seed in your meat coffin, you cunt. Tell you what, let’s smash the tv, unplug the kettle, and fuck until we bleed shit.”



About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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