Hello. Let’s finish the list of the shittest ways to make a girl smile. With number eleven, then.
11 . Introduce her to family and friends . . . as your girlfriend. Wait a minute, what if she’s your fucking wife? What, so you’re supposed to introduce her to family as your girlfriend. “But I thought you were married.” She would say “So did I!” and start crying. You would look like a prick. You cunt. If she is your girlfriend, say “This is my fucking girlfriend. It’s like a friend you can put stuff in. No. Don’t say that.
12. Play with her hair. Admittedly, this one sort of works. A former girlfriend liked it, but when it gets too much it can be irritating. Don’t walk around behind her yanking at her pony tail. Don’t hurl plasticine, shit, and glue at her hair. It’ll stick. She’ll end up pulling it out, getting it shaved off. She’ll be in despair, and you will be a FUCKING PRICK. WELL DONE CASANOVA.
13. Pick her up, tickle her, and play-wrestle with her. First one, fine. It’s fun picking up a woman, makes you feel all manly and shit. But just don’t drop her, like I once did. Oh dear. Thwacked her head on the bed and all. Wasn’t pretty. Certainly don’t throw her like a rugby ball. Don’t put her over your shoulder and carry her to and from work. That’s going a bit too far. Tickling is great too, no problem with that one. When it comes to play-wrestling, don’t get too competitive. It’s not a real fight. Don’t throw punches, and ON NO ACCOUNT get her in a headlock, then rub your fist on her head.
14. Sit in the park and talk to her. Sounds like something you’d do at the end of the relationship to me. I fucking hate parks, they’re the kind of places I feel like something is at an end. They’re full of shit birds, cunts drinking out of lager cans, and ducks giving it. Fuck off, parks. don’t take her there, take her to a public toilet instead. If you do go to the park, sit on the bench and yell “FUCK YOU ALL” at all and sundry, ignoring her completely, apart from when you say “Got any crisps?”
One thing you should not do is get drunk in the park on your own and ignore all her phonecalls.
15. Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, or just tell her jokes.
No. Tell her this joke:
“What has tits and always looks fucking pissed off with me? YOU.”
16. Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night . . . just because you missed her.
Don’t do this. It makes you look like a fucking stalker. The last thing a woman wants is some earnest prick waking her up in the middle of the night when she’s got work the next morning. If you miss her just phone her up and bellow down the phone. The more hysterical and desperate the better. If you really must hurl shit at her window, hurl a fucking massive rock. One with a fossil in it is practially a fucking present if she’s an archaeologist.
17. Let her fall asleep in your arms.
That’s quite nice. We’ve all done that, probably. The only problem is if she falls asleep, and you get uncomfortable, or need to piss or shit. In the event of this, simply piss or shit yourself with her on top of you. It will keep you both warm. If the smell wakes her up, tell her she’d dreaming of shit.
18. Carve your names into a tree. Trees don’t need ruining by shit grafitti thanks. Just go and write “CUNT” on a wall in a train station.
19. If she\’s mad at you, kiss her. Er, no. Never worked for me. If a woman’s angry, I don’t try to kiss her. If you’re going to do that, you may as well smear your lips in excrement and splutter through sobs as you approach her, wanking yoruself off as you do it. I find the best thing when a woman’s angry is to write down what she’s saying and then post it on the internet for a laugh.
END OF PART FUCKING TWO. In part three, Piggyback RIDES. You’re going to love that one. Now FUCK OFF.
*Disclaimer. I wouldn’t do any of this. You should all know by now.