Dating Don’ts.

1. Don’t tell her you got a fucking false beard for each of you to wear during sex.

2. Don’t tell her she’d look great dressed up as the inside out dog out of The Fly II.

3. Don’t tell her you were surprised to discover that the bloke who voices Garfield in the Garfield cartoons, also voices one of the Gummi Bears. Say all this while licking your fist.

4. Don’t rest your head on one side on the table, staring directly up at her, opening your mouth and shouting “TIME IS NOW! JUDGEMENT IS NEAR!”, after which you seethe and snort like an angry bull, always with eyes affixed on her.

5. Don’t tell her you love her big eyes, and signify this by picking up two saucers and placing them in front of your own eyes, saying how much like her eyes they are, and about how they’re exactly the same size. Make licking gestures with the saucers still in place, and screech a bit. When she leaves, frisbee the things at the wall and yell “YOU SAUCER EYED HARLET!” at her leaving figure, while clutching your face and digging fingers into your scalp.
If anyone approaches, punch them in the crotch.

6. Don’t turn up with your eyes held open with matchsticks, saying “Yeah, just want to make sure that if this date is really boring then I won’t fall asleep”. If they fall out, hold eyes open with your fingers.

7. Tell her you hid in her postbox, and messed up her letters.

8. Don’t go to the toilet, coil a turd off into your hand and take it out to her, shouting “SPECIAL DELIVERY!”, and then clapping your hands together.

9. Don’t tell her “I think we should split up”, even though you’re not together. Especially don’t sweeten the non blow by pretending to have an eplieptic fit while doing it.

10. Don’t tell her you love her, even though her parents are lepers. They’re not actually lepers.


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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