1. Don’t loudly tell her about every single breast you’ve ever seen in your life.
2. Don’t take your trousers off, and stare at her through the leg hole.
3. Don’t roll a pebble towards her.
4. Don’t put a coin in your soup and try to fish it out with your eye.
5. Don’t tell her you are imagining her inventing a deadly gas.
6. Don’t say “Sex is not the enemy, it is the curse”
7. Don’t wear a shirt on your legs, rather than your torso.
8. Don’t tell her you imagine your first born to look like Rayman, the joint-less video game character.
9. Don’t say “I fucking love this song!” when there is no song playing in the room.
10. If you’re going to a restaurant, don’t take your own food and sit there going “It’s alright darlin’, i’ve got me own food, you can have those breadsticks”, while sitting with your feet up on the table, knocking over wine glasses, bowls, or whatever is on the table, and munching on a scotch egg, followed by baked beans from the tin and a block of jelly.
11. Definately don’t do the above, but without actually swallowing any of the food. Keep chewing and putting more food in, until your cheeks swell up like a hamsters and food begins to fall out. She won’t like the sight of your bloated gob, with mashed food falling out and your coughing, choking red eyes gawping at her.
12. Don’t tell her that you want to draw her face on a bag of salt.
13. Don’t tell her you love her mum and dad so much (You’ve never met them), you want to stand between them, put an arm around each one, and fix your arms there so that they can never, ever leave you again.
14. Don’t tell her she would be brilliant in a third Weekend at Bernies, as Bernie’s dead wife.
15. Don’t tell her your spunk rolls uphill.
16. Don’t get a leek out and force it down your throat until you fucking gag.
17. Don’t tell her that in the event of sexual intercourse, you will at the point of orgasm, refer to that bit in Alien when Ash has his robot head knocked off.