Menus annoy me. They’re always geared to make the food sound like a symphony or something. for instance, the usage of words such as “succulent”, “creamy”, “tender”, or “Chunky”, “Crispy”, and the likes. Stupid words to make food sound delicious.

I don’t care about any of this shit. This is how my menu would sound.



Piss Pancakes:
Pancakes friend in piss. Eggs cracked off into a bow with some old flour and shit, mixed with piss, fried in piss. Take that one and stuff it.

Baked Brie:
Brie rolled in something approaching breadcrumbs. Deep fried in a massive vat of beer.

Acorn Stew:
We found these things, right, outside in a bin, we think they’re acorns, but we can’t be sure. Be advised you may die. If you’re allergic to whatever this is. We boiled these in some milk for fourteen days along with some Bisto. It tastes like brown.



What this is, is some beef we got and mashed together and then froze, into a steak form. Mince, roast beef, that old shit, in the shape of a ribeye, probably, we don’t know. We ran out of peppercorn sauce, so it’s served with boiled tea.

Fish and Chips:

Had some haddocks what was left from home, so we covered them in bread. Didn’t have anything to make breadcrumbs with, so we sellotaped bread to the fish, and then done that in some water or something. Easy, mate. Chips are made from mash, hardened for twelve weeks in a cupboard.


Some burgers on a plate with a donuts, because we ran out of burger buns. You can have that for forty five pence, mate. The burgers are nicked from a stall we found in a lay-by.


Chocolate Smartie Brigade:
Smarties with all the ones that aren’t brown removed, and baked inside some old dough.

Creme Broolay.
Creme Brule’ spelled deliberately wrong. Contains nothing but cream and sugar, blasted to the end of it’s life.

Oat So Simple we left out in the sun for a year, hardened like a real flapjack what is. Cheers mate.



About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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