It’s a funny old thing, onanism. Everybody wanks, as R.E.M never sung, at some point. If, like me, you spend a great deal of time with nothing but a penis and a ballbag full of spunk, there’s not a great deal else to do. However, there’s always a time when the erotically inspiring thoughts are interrupted, out of the blue, by something utterly incongruous to the frenzied tug you’re currently undertaking. For instance, you might be sitting there, happily thumping your joystick into milky anarchy, when, suddenly, for no reason, you imagine a tramp sitting in a tin of baked beans.
From that point, your penis flags like a windsock, and the moment is gone, forever. Try pulling yourself off after that one. Go on, I dare you. Say you’ve been imagining (If you’re me) taking someone from behind that you fancy. Great stuff, right? That thought keeps the pink pipe pullin’, and all seems well. Milky splashdown in 1…2..3….
and then, right? All of a sudden..your brain decides to throw in a thought of a petri dish full of spiders being kicked around a hospital floor. NO! Gone is the nice doggstyle action in your mental loins, and replaced by this shit. My top ten wanking curtailing thoughts:
1. A door slightly open ajar, with a dog’s face poking around it.
2. James Earl Jones impersonating a kettle.
3. A hamster trying to escape from a bin.
4. An un-swept warehouse, with two squatters wrapping belts around their arms.
5. A burning tyre.
6. The view from the inside of a toilet in a retirement home, during a diarrhea epidemic.
7. A dog grooming parlour burning down.
8. Amy Winehouse.
9. A medical letter informing you that you have shingles.
10. Boris Johnson.