1. Don’t put up pictures of all your ex girlfriends in the living room, in order of preference. She won’t like that. Especialy don’t write underneath each picture what they would do that she won’t. Something like this:
“No.3: Liz. She would finger me in the brown pocket”
2. Don’t pretend all day that you’ve completely forgot Valentine’s Day, and ignore every single word she says to you, merely coughing into a hand at every attempt at contact. If she tries to give you a Valentine’s Gift, or kiss you or something, just look through her and walk away. Then, when she falls asleep in a dispirited and confused fashion, at exactly the minute that the day ends, crash some cymbals near her sleeping form, shouting “I WAS ONLY JOKING! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!”
3. Buy her nothing but a potato and a pea saying “Look, that’s two presents. One more than one!”
4. Spend the entire Valentine’s Day sucking a gobstopper, even during moments of intimacy. Choke on it at one point, and stare at her while red faced and choking saying “I’m alright…honest..*Hack*”, punching yourself in the back of the head. This works especially well in restaurants.
5. Wake her up in the morning by stroking her face with a plastic baby’s head. This is even better if you get two plastic baby heads, and superglue them to your hands, concealing the rest of your arms with long sleeves, so she can only see the plastic doll heads.
6. Greet her at work naked apart from a nappy, and holding a giant inflatable bone, then proceed to drop to the floor and scream.
7. Give her a card that shows a picture of a horse staring through a fly door.
8. Tell her you’ve booked you both tickets to a one man show with Dolph Lundgren.
9. Give her one of those boxes that are shaped like hearts and red, that you usually put chocolates in. Instead of the chocolates, put a post it note in it saying “I.O.U”