Now that I have a comedy-centric blog, I am archiving these here. They of course started some years ago, following the break-up of my thirteen marriage. (I mean my first engagement). I needed the laughs. So I wrote them.
* If it comes to sex, don’t shout “DOG COLUMBUS DISCOVERS SMALL AMERICA!” at the point of climax.
* Coat your fingers entirely in breadcrumbs before the date and spend the entire thing rubbing your groin with it.
* Don’t tell her you’ve still got a Mr Potato Head. Don’t bring it with you, and definately don’t ask her if you can take photos of her tits and to stick to it later. So you can have sex with it. While thinking of her. Don’t draw a little vagina on it, either. Don’t do that.
I’m sorry about that one. It just kept coming to me. As it were.
* Don’t take your old Commodore 64 computer with you and sit there telling her how brilliant old computers are, sort of tapping the keys to emphasise this.
* Don’t paint yourself silver and tell her you’re a robot. Certainly don’t show her your power socket.