Some old shit from the archives
– Pretend you have no arms, by putting them inside your shirt, or jumper. Eat with your mouth. Maintain the sodding ruse even though she knows you do have arms. Even when she gets really annoyed.
– Don’t tell her she should have Starlin tattoed on onto one arse cheek and Lenin on the other. And Gorbachov on her vagina.
– Don’t paint a picture of James Earl Jones on your wrist in hedgehog’s blood and then spend all evening smearing it into your eye.
– Tell her you’ve cast a plague on all her houses, and look fucking serious about it. When you’ve said this, slowly turn on your chair and show her your bum.
– Take a television (Portable) and a video recorder to the date, with a recording of you sitting at a dinner table saying things like “Yes.”, “No.”, “Oh, you don’t say?” on it, as you would in a real conversation. Set it up at the restaurant table and leave when she sits down.
– Don’t prod a small rotten apple around the table or bar with your nose.
– Don’t give her a glass sculpture of a mole and say you’ve been sending it “tunneling down below”, if she knows what you mean. She won’t know what you mean.
– Don’t give her the axle you’ve just ripped off the underside of her car, saying it’s a present.
– Don’t daub her car with mini-reviews of the musical “Cats”. Don’t paint “A resounding success!” “Purr-fect” and “One pussy that doesn’t stink out loud!” all over it.
– Don’t piss in her face and tell her it’s good for the complexion.