Dating Don’ts 2005.


Hold your hand out flat on the table, fingers stretched out and entire hand pressed onto surface. Whenever date says the word “and”, bring other hand down onto it in in a mocked up rage, smashing it hard, whilst gritting teeth and screaming through them. You can scream “cunt”, “wench”, or “fuckface”, it doesn’t matter.


Already jinx the date by turning up to the date with the word “bitch” written all over your face in crayon.


Administer a rudimentary tattoo in your date’s name at the table, on your stomach, with a fucking compass and some soup.


Swing a mace around your head during a romantic meal.

62. Talk about the time you used to take advantage of oxen insemination day at the farm.


Perform a puppet display with your balls and cock made up to look like the three stooges. Who’s the tallest? It doesn’t matter, you fucking stupid cunt.

64: Say you’ve brought your own cutlery with you for the date, and produce a machete and an axe to eat with. Clatter both about in an unwieldy manner, trying to cut a fucking steak. Go on, I dare you. Watch that blade! Your date meant your wit was sharp enough to cut, they didn’t want a literal demonstration, you fucking cunthole.

65: Bring a collective of Winnie the Pooh toy characters dressed in army clothing, placing them in an arc around your plate, stating to the date in question that they are the protection of your food, and that if said date tries to nick anything then Winnie and his fucking mates will bombard the cunt out of them. Intermittently go down the cuddly line, licking each character on the crotch and face. Spend more time on Tigger, he’s a fucking slut.


Spend a good deal of the date trying to prise an eyeball out with a hand, not ever explaining why.


Don’t make any conversation at all. Spend the entire date answering everything and anything your date says with a dismissive nod of the head and a mumbled “fuck off”. Even if you really like them. Or a prolonged, overlong “DUUUUUUUUUUUURRRR”, stopping only when you run out of breath.


Bring a painting to the date that you’ve done of your romantic interest. Even if you’ve never seen them before, deliberately drawn in an unflattering and especially evil light. Possibly a cubist form, or that fucking rubbish “surreal” art with clocks melting over trees branches. Maybe draw their face bent over a giant vagina with balls on it. Write the words “fuck bollocks shit cunt” around the border. Easy money!

69: Drink an obscene amount before the date, so much that you can’t actually walk without smashing into something within a second. Then go on the date. This one’s a literal party of faux-pas.

70: Bring a handful of mud to the date and fling it into their person without mentioning it at all afterward. If they say anything about it, just pretend you’ve done nothing.


Do the Bishop thing out of “Aliens” with your date’s hand and a steak knife. They’ll never talk to you again.


Say everything loudly and with a full stop at the end of every word, to make your date feel as though you think they’re utterly dim. Even if they’re completely not. Example:


73: Punch the waiter in the arse as he walks past.

74: Keep holding up a tiny stop sign at random points during the conversation for no reason.

75: Wear a necklace of raw bacon on the date and bow your head to chew it during the meal.

76: Say “I take spacedust with my soup” and empty the contents of a packet into your mouth, along with soup, opening your multicoloured, foaming mouth at your date and widening eyes, in a sort of silent “ARGHHH!” expression.

77: Keep slamming the points of dirty syringes into the table, until the whole thing resembles a drug’s parlour.


Hold two bakewell tarts up to your eyes, then try and keep them there without hands, going “FUCK!” when one falls off.

79: Tell your date you have been phoning up their parents, and asking them how you like sex.


Whenever your date gets up to go to the toilet, let your head fall into the table in a rapid SLAM, then pretend to be dead.


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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