Here are some more Dating Don’ts from the golden age. If you feel sick, don’t fight it.
31. Bring your old teddy bear from when you were a child, and intermittently bury the steak knife into it’s belly, tearing stuffing and cloth apart, chattering your teeth and breathing harshly and rapidly. It’s not romantic.
32. Show them a big list of all the things you’ve ever done in your life that have destroyed a small part of somebody’s life.
33. Fling pen ink into their face.
34. Text your entire conversation replies and questions to them, without ever actually speaking.
35. Try to sell them things at the dinner table.
36. Masturbate under the table. Whilst looking right at them. Crying.
37. Turn up with the BBC titles tattooed onto your face.
38. Show them how to make a small mine out of meatballs.
39. Pick up the bread roll that accompanies a certain meal, and squeeze it in your hand until it crumbles all over the place, then slam the remainder onto the table, throwing head up and going “AGAHGAHGAHGAHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG”
40. Poke finger at them over and over again saying “You fucking love it”
41. Get up from the table, and relieve oneself in a circular motion round the table and them, forming a kind of piss-moat.
42. Keep drawing on your hand with felt tip.
43. Sling a stink bomb at their person.
44. Mention how pretty they’d look with a third eyeball.
45. Mention how pretty they’d look with one eyeball.
46. Mention how pretty they’d look if their hair had been burnt off by an airplane’s engine.
47. Tell them to fuck off, even if you’re having a really good time with them.
48. Go to date dressed in newspapers.
49. Keep stapling condoms to your face during entire meal.
50. Play with iron filings and a magnet, going “this is fucking brilliant”.