Now, then. The world of flirting is fraught with danger. Before you know it your cock is in a vice and you’re being catapulted into a nightmare, not literally.
I’m a crap flirt. I shake, shit myself, and hurl the excrement at everybody, like a fucking gorilla. I’m as good at flirting as I am shooting at distant planets with a water pistol. So, back in 2006 I wrote this little list of things not to do.
Like Dating Dont’s but longer:
Phylly’s ways not to flirt.
1. Turn up to the date with two ostrich henchmen. Proceed to walk in, linked arm in wings with each, even if they’re both utterly unfriendly and wild. Especially don’t staple their wings to your own sleeves so that they can’t escape but CAN peck your face and body, and also your date.
2. Write “hate” and “love” on your knuckles with a felt tip pen while talking to them, then punching both fists out at full length, right in front of their face, every five seconds.
3. Tell them that you think sex is dirty without the use of stirrups. Seriously explain your point with a whole ream of bullshit concerning stirrups that you’ve clearly made up. Never falter from the point and if they interrupt scream “SHUT UP, I haven’t finished yet”.
4. Make yourself cry with a raw onion, and then place your head on the table or bar, rolling it from left to right going “UUUUUUUUUUUUUUHUUUUUUUUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUUHUHU”, until they leave.
6. Accuse them of treason.
7. Keep clutching at your own neck as if there’s an arrow lodged in it.
8. Flick your tongue out in the same fashion as a snake at any passing bar staff. Don’t tell her what you’re doing, or why.
9. Offer her a sperm sample you’ve recently created, in a small plastic tub. Say “You can save this for later, if I end up dead”
10. Say that you can bend your nose at a right angle just like Burt Raccoon. Prove this in any way possible.
11. Keep calling her the boss, and kick a football at her head.
12. Slowly colour your face in with fucking big red marker. Tell her you’re feeling a bit sunburned, then leave.
13. Wank slowly into a hand, and toss it into the soup. Complain about it, then look at her, shaking your head knowingly as if this sort of thing happens all the time.
14. Ask her if her gran break-dances. Ignore all her surprise and refusal to answer this question, and insist on seeing her gran break-dance, even if her Gran’s dead. “No, I said, I want to see your fucking grandmother break-dancing, alright?”
15. Stare at her with an intended malice that people usually only use for murderers and pedophiles. You know, when they stand outside courtrooms as a prisoner comes out. That sort of stare. Say nothing. Do nothing. Just stare. Women love the sullen, hateful malicious gaze. Gets ’em every time.
16. Write your name on a tennis ball and hurl it out of the building you’re in saying “Go on, catch my name, FUCKING CATCH IT! GO ON!”
17. Say you’d like to dress as a bear and wank off into a beehive.
18. Say you wish there was some way to mutate Gene Wilder and Prince together, like in The Fly. The funkiest comedian ever. With a ginger afro.
19. Tell her you love the feeling of placing your genitals on a slowly heating oven hob.
20. Try picking up your glass with a trowel.