Drunken Granddad.

INT: Granddad’s house.

Dad: Well, here we are again. Dad says he’s cleaned up his act…

Mum: I hope so, he really scared poor Jimmy last time, boy’s so used to seeing him happy and sober, and then for the first time ever he gets drunk!

Dad: Yes, dad’s always been tee-total. I don’t know what came over him.

Mum: Surprised me.

Dad: Yeah. You looking forward to seeing Gramps, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Yes, dad! I hope he’s better!

Dad: Oh, he is son. He is. Hasn’t touched a drop since that day, at all. He’s as sober as a brush!

Jimmy: Hehehe.

Mum: heheheh..

(Car pulls into driveway. Gramps is at door to meet family. His silver hair is neatly brushed and he’s clearly taken care of himself.)

Gramps: Hello you weary travelers!

Dad: Hey, dad!

Mum: Hello, Sam.

Gramps: Well, look who’s here! Hello, young man!

Jimmy: Hi Granddad!

Gramps: Been well, have yer? heh..hehehe…

Jimmy: yes grandad! Dad and mum said you’re all better!

Gramps:Yes, i’m much better. Turns out I was just having a funny turn. Getting all drunk like that after seventy years of never touching a drop..silly old grandad!

Jimmy: Can we see the planes?

Gramps: Oh yes! My special old plaster planes…i’ve made a new one! It’s a spitfire, you want to see it?

Jimmy: Yay!

(They all go inside. Gramps ushers them all into the living room to sit down. He’s in good spirits, and so is family.)

Gramps: Well, i’ll go and make you all a nice cup of tea. Feel free to watch the telly.

(He goes into the kitchen)

Dad: I’m very happy with this. He’s never looked be…

(Dad’s voice is interrupted by a loud screaming voice, it is granddad)


Dad: Oh NO!

Mum: Cover your ears and eyes, Jimmy.

(Granddad walks in with reddened, callow eyes, dragged stretched and tight skin, half closed eyelids, a wispy, matted beard and swigging from a whisky bottle he’s concealed in a paper bag..utterly transformed in seconds…apparently. he is wearing a bin bag with a hole cut out for his nuts and screaming at the ceiling..wiping the sick from his chin and prodding his bollocks at the mother)

Grandad: YYYYYYYYYYEAAAA! Check it out, toots…AHM STILL THE OLDEST SWINGER IN TAOWWN! OOOOOOOHE YEAH! They might be wrinkled but they’re still full OF BEANS! WOOOOOOARGHHH!”

Mum: Oh GOD!

Dad: Dad! Please stop! Please! (Puts head in hands and sobs. Mum climbs back in her chair weeping. Jimmy rocks back and forth. Granddad tries to get into fireplace saying “I’M GOING TO FUCK MS SANTA WHEN SHE COMES DOWN MY CHIMNEY!” over and over and over again.

There you have it. There is no lesson. There is no point. There is but an instantly drunk grandad alienating his son, daughter in law and grandson. For no reason.


About neilstilwell

Abseiling into trouble, a sewer rat staring at the stars. Disgusting. You can assist my search for the one ring by buying a Kindle version of this diary from here. http://www.amazon.co.uk/frozen-fridge-Zoomeister-Diaries-ebook/dp/B00C426DD0/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366481719&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=a+frozen+turd+in+a+hot+frudge It has some other stuff in it, and a dreadful cover.
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