Hello. It is Sunday. Sunday is the day on which nothing ever happens. Nothing at all. Ever. In entire history.
On this blog apart from new stuff, i’ll be going through some old stuff with you. These will be things I posted on Livejournal some years ago, that were read by a small audience. As there are a few new people reading my stuff, I thought i’d dust them off, like some old cunt in glasses weeping in a fucking attic.
Amongst all these things, we’ll be looking at the following. If you can be fucking bothered, tell me what you’d like to see most.
Here is a list:
Smashed Family Heirlooms.
Friends Like These
And more. Today though, here are my very first Dating Don’ts, from 2005. I wrote these to cope with the breakup of my engagement. Sort of helped.
1. Don’t pour salt onto the table surface, and draw a demon’s face in it.
2. Don’t grip the sides of your chair with both hands, and bounce up and down yelping like a dog.
3. Don’t lean forward, stare into your date’s eyes and say “Your time is almost at an end”
4. Don’t pick the bread-sticks apart and flick them into your date’s face.
5. Don’t kick the underside of the table so hard that the drinks and plates fall over/off and smash. Repeatedly.
6. Don’t punch everything on the table about screaming “FUCK ALL THIS! FUCK YOUR WINE AND YER EATING! FUCK THE RESTAURANT, IT’S JUST COMMUNAL EATING! FUCK YOU! FUCK ME!”, then breathing heavily with your teeth gritted, staring straight at your date. Until they leave.
7. Tip drink into date’s face at random moments, usually during a nice part of the evening.
8. Keep mentioning how much you’d love to make a cat necklace out of living cats.
9. Tear apart a chicken’s carcass with your bare hands.
10. Smear pate on your lips like it was lipstick.
11. Punch yourself in the face until you fall unconscious in the seat.
12. Do that thing where you put your forehead on the table, and roll your head from side to side, all the while going “WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!”
13. Jab the knife at anybody who walks past the table.
14. Compose all dinner interaction in a language you made up. Just before the date.
15. Hold up a long piece of paper reading questions aloud from it during the date. “1. So what do you do then?”
16. Bring your own food and beer.
17. Ask them if they mind whilst you go and kick the urinal from the wall.
18. Wave your knife and fork about like you’re conducting a fucking orchestra whilst you’re talking.
19. Slam your fists on the table going “WHERE’S THE FOOD MUM, WHERE’S THE FOOD MUM, WHERES THE GODDAMNED FOOD MUM”, quickly and loudly, for five minutes.
20. Ask your date if they like jelly babies, if so would they like to come back for some, they’re a bit cloudy and dry, and there’s only yellow left, but they’re quite welcome to if they want.
21. Hold up a picture of a cow.
22. punch a hole through picture of cow.
23. Poke your face through hole in picture of cow.
24. stare at your date, through hole, in picture of cow, open eyes wide, and scream.
25. Produce a sryinge from pocket, and start stabbing it into the table wherever and whenever the mood takes you.
26. Head-butt the soup.
27. Move both arms up in a circle to the side of you, yawning loudly as you do so, then clasping hands together, leaning back on your seat, kick the table over and fall over sideways.
28. Cry for the entire date, pushing an onion into your eyes if the tears stop rolling.
29. Push an onion into their eyes.
30. Invite a farmer chaperone to sit next to you during the entire date.
These may one day be a book, if I can find some way to publish the fucking things.