Hello. I am Zoomeister. I am not really Zoomeister. My real name is Neil, and I live in the area of Thanet, the world’s leading place for discarded kebab boxes and pubs that look like gigantic cardboard boxes.
I am thirty four. For the first thirty three years I was not thirty four. I spent many years at school, during which time I learned how to distance myself from the greater part of humanity. The Beano and Chewits were my friend. The ZX Spectrum was a million pounds back then. Listeria was the in-disease. You never got AIDS. It was excellent.
Then, something changed. I grew up, sprouted feet and eyes. By eighteen thirty two I had become completely self aware. Skynet attacked humanity. Betty Boop was kicked off X Factor for crying during a blowjob. All sorts of things happened.
Ridiculously, I reached the 000s unscathed, after spending the years 1993-1999 eating Noodles and playing DOOM. Andy Crane was executed in front of millions. Life was good.
Then, the bleakness of the late 000s. And now, the radioactive fallout. Bleed through your eyes and share a nuked rat with me. I’ll wank words for you to guzzle.